The First Few Months Loving The Man God Called Me to Love

After my first twenty-four hours with this man. I knew Zachary was the man God wanted me to love. I was terrified to love again. After all that I had been through I had huge walls up guarding my heart. With only one man in my past did I even partly let walls down but never truly completely forced my self to let my guard down. I was scared to love or to allow my self to be loved. I had always held what my ex husbands did to me in my heart which made any man I attempted to date be guilty of being a low life jerk until he could prove otherwise. I was determined to not let this man slip away. I was determined to give him a fresh start because my future husband deserved a clean slate to start building our love upon. He didn't deserve the left overs that my past left for him. He deserved the very best of me. So I forced my self to not think of him as a liar, cheater, manipulator or a man that was just out to use me. I forced myself to see this man with imperfections as the perfect man for me. I fell in love with this man hard and fast and he did the same for me. Within just weeks I was raising his daughter for a large amount of the time he worked. He basically started to live with me in my home. We became an instant family. He took to my kids and took it upon himself to see that I had children that were hurting from their past and my past divorce and the damage my ex husband left them with and he tried to truly build a bond with my kids. This man spent just about every night with us basically from the beginning. He took half of my closet and owned half of my bed. It was our home. I looked forward to cleaning the house knowing he would be home and I truly wanted to please him and have him come home to a home cooked meal and a clean home. I finally had a man that I desired to please which I had never in my life felt. I wanted to be a good wife to him. I wanted to make him feel so extremely loved and cared for. I wanted to pamper him and spoil him and I wanted to be the me I was truly made to be. This man was shown the love that no woman had ever shown him. I was so happy making him happy. I was so happy building our family. But that is where we went wrong. I had kids, he had a child and we became an instant family. I worked as a manager at Walmart and he worked his job as a correctional officer and ran a lawn business on the side. He did not have much time but the time he did have he spent with us. But again that is where we went wrong. We spent all of our time not working being a family doing family things. We neglected to water our relationship and give it the nutrients it needed to grow. We built a family but we made our relationship suffer in the process. The date nights were far and few between. We had the night time cuddles for just a couple hours between when he got home at 11pm to when he left at 4am but that was it. We didn't have time to build a relationship. We liked our family and we liked our connection and we loved each other but we didn't keep that spark alive and it started to die down.

The Begining of the Man God Gave Me Then Took Away

In October of 2015 I was in a very difficult point in my life. I was just 2 months pregnant with a child and was not in a relationship with her father any longer. I was living in a domestic violence shelter and feared for my life as well as my unborn child. I was completely lost. I was moved to a different city and found a new church that I instantly fell in love with. I started to get back onto the path with God that I needed to be on and living in a shelter gave me a lot of time to pray and reflect. I was on dating sites and passed the time laying in my tiny space messaging men with no intent of actually going on dates. I had a very long all-nighter with God praying about the man I was meant to be with after I was fed up being with the wrong men. God told me that night that I would know when I met the man that I was meant to be with. God also told me, and I remember this so clearly like he was actually speaking it in words, "It will not be easy but it will be worth it, and the testimony with be powerful". I had no idea what that meant and at the time I did not put much care into trying to understand that. As the days went by I would have attractive, wealthy and interesting me message me and start conversations. I would shoot most down from the start. A few of them I would continue small conversations with but every time I was asked on a date I gave it to God and prayed about it. Every time I was told "this is not the one" it was made clear to not waste my time on this one or that one. So I would cut these men out. Then one day there was one that messaged me. Instantly, literally instantly that feeling was different. He messaged me first. We spoke some and he backed off, and I continued to be led to him. We continued conversation for a few weeks and instead of waiting for him to ask me out, I for the first time ever prayed about him and was told "this is him" I asked him to attend a church production on October 30th which my church was putting on. He with out hesitation said yes. We had yet to meet at this point only exchanged text messages. I cant remember if we had even spoke on the phone at this point, I don't even think we did. He came to pick me up and stood outside the privacy fence and sent me a message that he was there waiting for me. I opened the fence gate and remember him standing there leaning against the side of the sidewalk rail with his cowboy boots on. I swear the feeling I felt was a feeling I never have felt and I cant even really put it into words. It is best explained as the feeling of natural love. It felt so natural. It didn't feel awkward at all. It truly felt like we had been dating forever and was just another date night. I didn't feel like I must act perfect to please him. I felt like I was comfortable and could be my self. I believe he felt the same thing. We enjoyed our date at my church. It was a Halloween type of production with blood and costumes of the devil and angels and such and was about picking heaven or hell. After the production we went to my new apartment. We sat and talked but it wasn't like a date I had ever had. We talked about all kinds of things. Favorite things, he asked my favorite toothpaste even. I was not allowed guests past midnight and we didn't want me to get into trouble. So we decided to go to his apartment 25 minutes away. As he was driving we continued our conversations about our past, our exs that destroyed us and what we want in life and in a relationship. Everything he said was what I wanted in a life partner. A family man that goes to church and wants the same lifestyle that I want and the same future for our kids. On that drive he looked at me and asked me to marry him. I looked at him like he was crazy. He said he didn't mean right now but he said that I will become his wife. I laughed and he said just watch. We went to his apartment and put on a movie and laid in bed watching a movie cuddled up. I felt at home. It just felt right. Those were the arms I was meant to be in every day for the rest of my life. The intimacy was undeniable. I made love to the man that I had fallen in love with in just that short night. I thought I was crazy but I just knew it. We woke up and the next morning he went to get his daughter from his babysitter. He brought her back to his apartment and we sat and played with her rocking pony playset and my heart melted for that little girl that morning. She stole my heart with just the first look into my eyes. We ended up spending the day together. We went to watch a football game at Double Daves Pizza (his favorite place) and we went shopping. He bought me some Aggie gear and I got to spend the day with him and his little girl and I didn't want the day to end. Early that evening he dropped me off at my apartment as we both already had Halloween plans with our kids and our exs. He continued to message me and send me pictures of him and his daughter that evening. My heart melted with every message. This was my future husband. I prayed about it over and over. I continued to hear "it wont be easy but it will be worth it and the testimony will be powerful" little did I know just how hard it would truly get.

Introduction

My name is Krista. I am a 30 year old single mother to five children. In my lifetime I have gone through what has felt like going to hell and back countless times. I have been through struggles, lessons, heartbreak and feelings of worthlessness time and time again. But the one common factor is that I always end up coming out ok and stronger than before. After this most recent struggle I am currently in counseling and one thing that my counselor pointed out is that I am resilient. This is why I have made the life choices I have made when it comes to my family and friends. I am determined to give my kids better than I was ever able to have and break the cycle that my family has been "cursed" with. So I have decided to start a blog about the struggles I have overcame as well as current struggles. Basically a life blog. I know I can't possibly be the only one that has gone through some of the situations I have been through and I would love to have my story help someone else. As time goes by I will write about things that come to mind. To give a brief overview of what is to come in the future, there will be posts about my most recent struggle, losing the love I believed to be my God given soulmate. I will also post about cutting family out of my life. growing up with a mom suffering from severe depression and all of the things involved with living such life including losing my brother to adoption, being removed by child protective services and feeling resented by my mother. I will also post about being a teenage mother, getting married when there was no love as a teenager. Going through two divorces, one which I lost two of my children in the process. Struggles as a parent. Financial struggles. Emotional struggles dealing with my own battle with depression. As well as the difficult topic of being raped by my step father and father as a child. Everyday is a struggle although everyday is also a chance to get stronger. I hope that you get something from my posts, what ever it may be, may you be blessed everyday and continue to grow.